Human Victory Cigar

Well, this has definitely been an interesting 8 months since the departure of my favorite Piston
Ben Wallace.

I have spent countless hours with my friends over at PistonsForum.com debating the loss of our best defensive player and essentially the identifying figure of this franchise over the last 6 years.

What I have “learned” during this time (or have had soundly beaten into me by the snide remarks, shout-downs, and or ridicule from said friends) is the following:

1. Ben Wallace is useless
2. Ben Wallace is a detriment to the team
3. Ben Wallace is an offensive liability
4. Ben Wallace is garbage
5. Ben Wallace sucks
6. Ben Wallace is a malcontent
7. Ben Wallace is a traitor
8. Ben Wallace is a quitter
9. Ben Wallace is a pouter
10. Ben Wallace purposely mails in games to retaliate against his coach
11. Ben Wallace has NEVER gotten along with any of his coaches
12. Ben Wallace is simply chasing the money
13. Ben Wallace left Orlando, foregoing an opportunity to show loyalty, in order to chase the money in Detroit
14. Ben Wallace is apparently in worse condition and physical shape than Cliff Robinson and/or Oliver Miller and is clearly on the decline
15. Any injury Ben Wallace incurs is proof of his decline and should come as a relief that he is no longer a Piston
16. Ben Wallace EVER having a game of less than 20 rebounds is clear evidence that he is not worth being on an NBA roster
17. Ben Wallace forced coaches to leave Darko planted on the bench
18. Ben Wallace’s free throw shooting has cost us 5 titles in his 6 years as a Piston
19. The Pistons won the NBA title in 2004 despite Ben Wallace’s best efforts to screw us on offense and force his will on the coach.
20. Ben Wallace should never be allowed to touch the ball, with the exception of taking it out of bounds or handing it to the officials
21. Ben Wallace should be happy the other Pistons allow him to fetch their off-target misses like a 5 year old watching the big kids play
22. Ben Wallace is apparently mentally and physically challenged and is incapable of improving on any of the skills he currently possesses and/or learning new ones
23. Ben Wallace isn’t “fun to watch.”
24. Ben Wallace proves his inferiority by not successfully warding off 3 opposing players for each rebound
25. Ben Wallace should be able to defend any and all players in the lane simultaneously while the other four players allow dribble penetration and immediately run out on the fast break to receive a pass from “Super Wallace” who has meanwhile shoulder blocked and out rebounded 4 players while leaping 15 ft into the sky
26. Ben Wallace is not a good defensive player, he was simply 4-time Defensive Player of the Year because they had no one else to pick and they needed a name to add to the list of the only players to ever accomplish the feat
27. The Pistons can now get on with winning “real” titles sans the malcontent oxygen-wasting team-killing cancer in the middle.

I have see the light and will now repent my sins. Amen.